6:56 p.m. 2003-09-18
The Bitch says: Calender Dates...........
My brain, on drugs(although legal ones) and way too much enforced time off, is a really strange thing. Today it got fixated on dates. Dates that were not the best in my life.....at least what I remember of it.
For instance, the summer of 1983. In particular, June 19, July 30, August 30. I prefer to refer to this summer as the summer of death. On August 30 my ex-brother-in-law died. He and Florence had been married for just about a year. After taking care of everybody all the time she had this guy who wanted to take care of her. He was taking a shower before work and had a heart attack. July 30 my ex mother-in-law died. This was expected but that didn't make it any better. She was like my mom even after the sperm donor and I broke up. June 19, my mom died. She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer in March and died in June....Father's Day that year.
And, then there is April 12.......any April 12, any year....pick one. When I was young, 1964 to be exact, I had a beautiful son. His father was crap but he was awesome. I was like this really white bread suburban kid who had no idea that you can get some kind of help as a single mother. I tried. My father, who said he would support me, was embarrassed to have this illegitimate child in his home so...I had to find a place to live. I had no job, no day care, no nothing. My father said I could come home but he had a cousin who wanted to adopt my baby. Choices, yeah right. I could be on the street with no home, no food, no money and my month old son........or, my son could have a home with a mother and a father and food and everything he needed or wanted. It so totally broke my heart but, I signed the papers. They kept in contact for a little while and then they only kept in contact with my father. They wouldn't allow me to see him under any circumstances but my father showed me a couple of pictures. I had named him Thomas James but they called him Jay. My father died several years ago but he told me Jay was working for NASA as an engineer. I'm so proud even though I had nothing to do with it.
About a year of two after I gave up that gorgeous child my father mentioned something about housing assist, food stanps, and AFDC when people go to school. I cam unglued. It seems that he knew about all of this stuff, but didn't want me to know because he didn't want me to have a way to keep my baby.
That was basically the end of my relationship with my father. I saw him a few times when he came from NY to Arizona and then he died. My step-mother called me the day he died to tell me.....my only reaction to her?...OK.......I truely didn't care.
So, my brain has been playing games and making me remember......
I"M OUTTA HERE
